DATE ME...AND I'LL LET YOU PET MY BEAGLE

The Bad News:

I witnessed this adorable little puppy getting thrown out of a moving vehicle.

The Good News:

We've been together for over two years.

PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE...I HOPE

The good, the bad, and the ugly...

I'm a thirty five year old virgin.

LADIES, TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY!

For a limited time only, approximately until the year 2050 or at least until someone is foolish or kindhearted enough to marry me, I’m offering women from all over the world the opportunity of a lifetime by giving them a chance to win a date with me.


How can this possibly be you ask? How can someone as handsome, charismatic, and intelligent as me still be unattached and single well into his thirties?


Well, if I may, let me modestly put it to you like this. Does the beauty of the Mona Lisa only exist for one? Does the sun only shine to give life to a few? Do the rains only nourish a small group or trio? So let it be with me as well.


Now in order for someone to even have a snowball’s chance in Antarctica of winning a date with me, they must first qualify and be eligible under the strict guidelines of being a female at least eighteen years of age and breathing, no exceptions!

Winners must also assume full and total financial responsibility for all costs in and of the date itself and agree to release Anthony the Loser from any and all liability that may or may not be the direct or indirect result of our date including but not limited to stalking, pain and suffering, bodily injury, and or mental anguish.

So ladies, if all of this sounds good to you and you qualify, (And I don’t know why it wouldn’t) please contact me at, bacheloranthony@rocketmail.com and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Sending naked, partially naked, erotic, or even fully clothed photographs of yourself will garner a faster response though is by no means necessary.

Thank you ladies and good luck to all of you!

Sincerely, Anthony the Loser

HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL

The Good News:

I'm looking for a girlfriend.

The Bad News:

This is what I look like.

The Dire News:

I'm getting uglier by the second.

P.S. I don't look any prettier in person.